Battleship… the movie

Look, I know. I know, OK?

I knew before we rented it that this was going to be totally unmitigated crap. And it was, so there were no surprises. Right?

Actually, I was a bit surprised at just how absolutely atrociously awful it is. I can watch and enjoy the odd bit of unmitigated crap, as long as the explosions and chases are entertaining enough. But here… well. The characters are laughable, you could drive a semi-trailer sideways through the plot holes… the plot for Battleship almost makes Transformers 3 look like it HAS a plot (although I did not want to scrub my brain after watching this, which I did after watching Transformers 3. Maybe because I watched B in two sittings, and not in a theatre having paid quite a lot of money).  And the science… zomg the science. Or rather, lack thereof. Friends, this movie shows people trying to communicate with another planet by using a radio telescope to fire a coherent laser beam at it.

I just. I can’t. There are no words.

This review is, actually, superfluous. Everything you need to know about the movie can be found in this hilarious review. It contains multiple spoilers but, if you haven’t seen the movie yet, and at some stage you are forced to, use this as a drinking game: every time you get to one of the points mentioned, drink! That review does, however, miss THE most awesome bit of the whole film: using an anchor to make a battleship do a handbrake turn. Seriously.

The plot: aliens are coming in response to the message we sent and they want to TAKE OVER THE WORLD. Or something. Since there’s no actual communication, how do we know that? Oh yeh, because they’re ALIENS. Then plucky sailors fight them off. Where plucky sailors include Rhianna trying to look badass, some punk kid who turns out to be a genius, and a bunch of old dudes who just happen to be hanging around.

The characters: there are none. They’re all just cardboard cut-outs.

The one good thing this movie proves: Liam Neeson really, really doesn’t care what you think anymore.

4 responses

  1. I couldn’t agree more. The worst scene of all (although there was a fair amount of competition) was when they switched to the old dudes just hanging around at vending machines etc. and looking “oldy dudey” after someone asked a rhetorical question something like: “who could we get crew this old thing?”.

    1. I nearly died of laughter. It was so terribly awful… although if Steven Seagal had turned up, or Tommy Lee Jones, that would have been even funnier…

  2. There are so many things wrong with this movie, but one of the most telling things about it is something they got completely right – to make an armed warship larger than a patrol boat even remotely relevant you need to create an area where aircraft don’t exist. And as soon as that area is removed, incoming aircraft demonstrate the irrelevance of armed warships convincingly.

  3. […] Battleship; The Forever War, Joe Haldemann; City of Illusions, Ursula le Guin; The Shapes of their Hearts, […]

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