In honour of The Force Awakens coming out… whenever that is, we’ve decided to rewatch Star Wars. All six. In in-universe chronology.

Yes, today we watched The Phantom Menace.

The Phantom Menace: things that weren’t too bad:

• The references to the original trilogy were mostly kinda cute, and not all of them were over the top. The “I have a bad feeling about this” is meant to immediately make someone like me feel at home, and I liked that. Also going through a ventilation shaft was pretty funny.
• The meet-cute of C3PO and R2-D2 is, indeed, quite cute.
• The cameo from Warwick Davis: weird! But cool.
• Samuel L. Jackson.
• A nod to diversity: at least two noticeable black humans and two female pilots! Amazing.
• Liam Neeson’s hair.
• The fight between Qui-Gon and Darth Maul is fantastic.
  • Double-ended light sabre!!
• James: the music. At least they got John Williams back.

What were you thinking, George?

• It’s a film about trade negotiations going wrong. I mean really.
• TOO MUCH CGI GEORGE. This is why we can’t have nice things.
• Qui-Gon’s use of mind tricks as soon as things are slightly difficult is just repulsive.
• Darth Maul. Not his existence, his lack of one. What a wasted character, man.
  • He has basically no dialogue!
  • He has no motivation!
  • His fight with Qui-Gon is too short.
• The pod race. I did not need to see all three laps, George.
• The Gungans. I am all in favour of ignored/oppressed people showing they have something to contribute, but did it have to be in such a racist and boring way?
• Jar Jar Binks. Everything about him.
  • I do mean everything.
• Anakin.
  • Ani? Really? For the boy who grows up to be Darth Vader? Seriously.
  • Why did you make him so young?
  • Why did you make him so petulant?
  • Didn’t your casting call throw up any other options?
• Ewan McGregor’s hair.
• Qui-Gon is a master Jedi and he’s fooled by some make-up as to who actually has the power in the entourage of women? Really?
• George, you made Anakin the product of a virgin birth and only spent ten seconds thinking about it. I mean, seriously, man, what the hell?
• James: the visuals reminded of Bedknobs and Broomsticks. It just looked plastic.